* very emotional vlog*
Dec 21, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzJWSwHIWbM

[Music]
good morning welcome to Thursday yes I
can't believe we're already almost
through another week like where is this
month gone because we're clearly almost
already at the end anyways good news you
guys I got my Etsy shop up and running
it is open so I will put the name of it
right here on the screen it is called
vinyl net design not designs so there is
a shop out there called vinyl net
designs that is under me but that's
because I kind of forgot to write all my
information down and I completely locked
myself out of it and I could not figure
it out you guys I have worked on this
for over
I didn't even gonna say hours but I
finally got it up running I got my
credit card connected to it everything
so as you guys make purchases I'm just
so excited so anyways we had to stop and
go look for something or like Clark when
we couldn't find it anyways but I just
wanted to check in with you guys and say
an official good morning we are on our
way we have to go to Michaels because I
need to take back one of my vinyls and
get something different
I don't know what else we got to do but
I just wanted to share with you guys the
good news about my shop being open like
I said I will put it into the screen so
you guys can see that it is a vinyl nut
design make sure it does not have an S
at the end of it and I am going to be
working all day on getting my inventory
up in on the shop so you guys can start
getting orders in and yeah so anyways I
hope you guys are having a wonderful
start to year guys as day it is 1
o'clock here and we're just starting our
day we've just been kind of having a
chillax relaxed afternoon morning
whatever you want to call it but we are
starting our day and getting out there
and getting what we need to get done so
I'll check in with you guys in a little
bit
good evening yes I am finally there I
have I don't even know the last thing
I've logged I think it was on our way to
[Music]
Michael's somewhat mistaken which I did
end up getting so the other day when I
went to Michael's I got to I got this
brand and it's a heat transfer vinyl
well then I turned around and I got a
cricket brand but it was and also a heat
vinyl in our a heat transfer vinyl
instead of the permanent glossy which is
what I needed so I ended up having to
take that back which is fine but it was
just how to you know take it back and
return it get the right one I needed
because I don't need to heat transfers I
needed one heat transfer one permanent
I'm still debating on I got these two
colors
they don't say six five one
[Music]
they're both Oracle six five one which i
think is permanent I think so I got a
turquoise color and a pink color and
then I got my shelf over there
completely organized got all the boxes
labeled with everything on him that I'm
gonna need I got my dresser cleaned off
to the best I still have to do a little
bit more to it I also got in the know
today I got from Amazon I got my Cricut
basic tool set which comes with the
scissors the wieder the spatula and
stuff but this was 17 warmer so that
they sold him for 13 but I did not see
that when I went to Walmart in fact
actually when I went to Walmart it was
and then Michaels was 25 so it was
cheaper to get it on Amazon altogether
so anyways um what else I think that was
it I mean I honestly just it took me a
while to get everything as I had to
break everything I had to break
everything down from the shelving put
that all the way in the closets and then
pull up the boxes which I just I'm
absolutely in love these are the ones
that I got from Dollar Tree so I got big
ones down on the bottom medium ones
small ones and then down on the very
bottom I have another two which are
adult t-shirts and plus size t-shirts
and then as my inventory comes in then
I'll just fold them all put him in there
their buckets and that way then I know I
so you know whatever I come up with then
I could put it all the way
so anyways other than that it's all I've
done today I worked for a very long time
getting all of my inventory up on my
Etsy shop so that is available now and
again I I think I already said that I
was gonna put the name in on so I will
definitely do that and yeah it's just
been one of those one of those days I
don't know I feel like lately I've been
having more of these funk days than I
like I'm just frustrated
I'm really frustrated mmm my feelings
were hurt today which doesn't help the
situation whatsoever you know I don't
think sometimes people understand and
I'm not talking about anybody on Fate on
my youtube channel actually it was more
of a personal comment from somebody you
know more personal to me that I would
not imagine to say comments like that to
me but anyways um I just don't think
that people understand what they say can
honestly affect somebody emotionally and
especially when this person works so
hard which is me to be a good mom and to
be a good wife and to be all the things
that I want to be and I have strived to
be but when I'm told that do you know
I'm not meeting the standards of a
parent that somebody thinks that I
should be or
um that I don't even know how to even go
into it without really blowing the cover
you know and I don't want to blow this
person out because you know I don't want
people to feel different about this
person because it was just something
that was stated and they don't think
that this person meant to say it the way
that it came out but it definitely was
interpreted the way that I heard it and
so it just really hurt and so I've
really been into my feelings today and
just been very quiet and just kind of
wanting to be left alone because you
know just comments that get made just
don't always make you feel the best you
know and this time of the year is really
hard for me anyways
I know that I struggle a lot during this
time for multiple reasons but you know
December holds a lot of painful memories
for me so when I need when I need the
support and it's not there it's painful
and you know I've done so good for so
many years pushing my feelings aside and
not showing the sadness that I felt
during December when everybody is really
happy and excited and December is known
to be a very happy time for most but
even as a child December was never held
as a happy time for me it was always
represented as something sad
the painful and I remember you know many
times wishing I was just a different
little girl you know because you hear
those stories you hear the stories that
your friends would come to school and
say oh you know my grandma got me you
know this and my auntie got me this and
you know my mom and dad got me this and
it's like you know I remember so many
times sitting there listening to kids
talk about like their happy times and
wishing in the back of my heart that I
got to experience those things and they
never had and knowing that Christmas
time was when I was gonna have to get a
new home that I hated that time of the
year and so I've grown up to hate that
time because it was never something that
was resembled as a happy thing for me
there comes neglect there comes not just
neglect by abandonment because you feel
like you're not good enough for the
family that you were once living with
you have to meet new friends you have to
meet a new teacher you have to meet new
roles and you know so even now as an
adult when I sit and I go into the
stores and I hear the customers are not
the customers the workers you know Merry
Christmas and Happy New Year
and you know they're asking oh you have
any happy you know happy plans or
exciting plans or do you have anything
fun plan this time of the year and it's
like no
you know I mean not gonna lie and be
like oh yeah I've got so many great
plans ahead of myself you know it's just
hard it's hard and this is probably the
hardest time for me in the year
December is like my toughest toughest
time and sometimes this is when I feel
the most loneliness and this is when I
feel like I push people away and I know
I have been lately because I December
represents me being pushed away from
people you know pushed away from
different families and things like that
so in return I do it before somebody can
do it even though the people that are in
my life are not gonna push me away but
it's like mental thing that I feel like
I have to push everybody away during
December because I'm afraid who's going
to do it and just December's a really
hard time for me and you know December
24th 2009 I'll never forget I had no
inquiries of even feeling pregnant I
didn't feel like anything and I remember
that day so real like it's just like it
happened yesterday I remember I was at
my cousin's house because I was staying
with her at the time and this is right
after I got home from Egypt with like
two weeks because I go home I think it
was like the 10th or something yeah I
think the 10th of December and I
remember the 24th it was Christmas Eve
and again you know Christmas holidays
they suck you know I came home from from
Egypt and
I had no money because I had spent my
own money on my trip that I didn't get
to really buy my son any gifts and I
felt so guilty I felt so bad because I
was such a but bad mom because you know
I was selfish and took a trip to Egypt
and I wasn't able to really give my son
the Christmas I wanted to give him that
year because at that time I was
celebrating Christmas like not really
celebrating it but I would still try and
do something nice for Jeremiah um so
anyways I remember I was like you don't
have a pregnancy test that I had taken
or I had a pregnancy test that I had
bought and um I remember going in the
bathroom I was gonna take a shower so I
was like well I'm just gonna take it
just it's in the closet
or in the cupboard and it's mine so I
might as well just take it so I did and
I remember putting it up on top of the
shower ledge I'm finishing my shower and
I was like I I was praying while I was
taking a shower and I was like God the
best Christmas gift you could ever give
me since Christmas has always been such
a painful time for me is for me to be
pregnant
and I remember looking at the bricks it
doesn't be positive if I remember
looking at the TAS and be like oh my god
you answered my prayers you gave me a
baby I remember walking around with that
test all day long like literally in my
hand he kept looking at I was like oh my
god I'm pregnant oh my god I'm pregnant
and you know and it was Christmas Eve so
my god it's Christmas I'm pregnant you
know what I'm so excited I get to have
this baby that I've always wanted and
I'm so sorry guys but this is just my
day today this is my reality every year
this is what I replace every year and I
don't know if I'll ever get over it you
know as much as I want to know if I ever
will
it's very painful and taking that
December is already a bad year are bad
month for me out of the year to have
December 24th find out the day that I
was pregnant after asking God so deep in
my heart to give that baby to me - just
for to have short months later to lose
him makes the 24th of December one of
the most saddest days of my wife
so I apologize you guys that the last
few logs have been just kind of short
and sweet to the point it's not my
normal self and not the normal like
happy baby that I want to be but I carry
a lot of pain in December for multiple
reasons and they haven't dealt with it
all just yet and I hope and pray one day
I can get through December it and it be
a month that I could look out and be
like okay you know what it's an ok but
yeah unfortunately things happen during
December that it didn't happen in other
parts of the year but at the same time
until I could get over all of that pain
it resembles a bad time of the year for
me and ain't no I'm not the only one I
think everybody has time in their life
during the year that could be harder
than others uh-huh
and just December is that month March is
a pretty heavy month for me too because
that's the month that I lost my son my
duty was August 26 which is my birthday
go figure
and so August 26 which is my birthday is
always like a day of you knows my due
date for my baby
March 24th was the day that I gave birth
to him and December 24th is today Denish
the day that I found out I was pregnant
with him so anyways it's just been a
really tough day to day to say the least
but it's been a really rough couple of
weeks
because December's not like I said the
best month for me
altogether but I try to get through it
cuz I don't want my kids to see that I'm
upset I try to be as diligent with my
feelings because I never want them to
feel like December needs to be a bad
month for them because they have never
experienced the things that I've
experienced and they never will so and
therefore as they grow up they won't
have to face the things that I had faced
they won't hate the months of the year
that I hate and I pray that they never
ever experience something so traumatic
that makes them hate certain times of
the year as adults because I don't want
my children to ever carry the pain that
I've carried or experience the things
that I've experienced especially for the
month of December I definitely was not
thinking I was going to come out here
and lose myself because you know but you
know I want you guys to know this is the
real me I don't hide things from you
guys I don't want you guys to feel like
I'm not you know that I'm not being
honest with you guys in my feelings you
know I'm sure you guys have noticed that
my vlogs have been just a little bit on
more on the shorter side or more like
just whatever you know no I haven't
sorry I have a hair my eye or something
I haven't been really working our I
haven't felt like it that's being honest
that's being real I haven't felt like
just working out it's just it's like my
focus right now is just to survive
through December
just to get through December because
it's like December 1st when I roll out
of bed it's like okay we've got you know
these amount of days before I get over
December and so in reality or in return
I you know here you go yeah okay shuts
door can you shut my door thank you I
love you so when I you know I just when
I'm told that you know I'm not moaning
up to what people envision to me to be
for a mother or for a person that I am
or a wife or whatever it's very painful
because I am doing my ultimate best to
be as present as I can during this time
of the year because it's not an easy
time for me if I can just make it and
survive is the best that I can do right
now I tried to be there as much as I can
for my kids I try to be there as much as
I can as a wife as a homemaker as you
know a youtube or I'm trying my
damnedest to do what I can because
that's what keeps me grounded but at the
same time I need people to understand
that I am also human and I carry a lot
of garbage on my back that I'm trying to
get rid of but it doesn't happen
overnight it doesn't happen even over a
few months it can take time and I have
to take one thing out of the trash bag
at a time you you know like go over it
see what I have to do about it
digest it and throw it out but it takes
time as much as I wish I could just dump
the whole trash bag and be done with it
I would have done that long time ago but
it doesn't happen like that I wish it
did but I just want you guys to
understand that I am sure trying to be
the best I can and I am just trying to
stay focused I try just to you know eat
what I need to eat to survive but you
know I'm not today I to be honest I was
so just upset with a whole bunch of
things that were said to me that I came
home and I had a piece of chocolate cake
for my kids as cake they made ice at
their Anita I didn't eat it and beat
myself up I didn't sit there and eat it
and judge myself I ate it and I just sat
there
did I really enjoy it I don't think so
I don't think I truly enjoyed it but
that was my coping mechanism that I know
to cope with and that's the things that
I'm trying to teach myself not to do but
in a time like today and for the time of
the year that it is I think eating a
piece of chocolate cake is better than
going and doing something else stupid
and you know no I've never had drug
problems I've never had alcohol problems
like I've never had any of that have I
tested the waters of those things I've
tested the water with alcohol I drink a
little bit here and there at some family
parties and I got crap faced a few times
ended up waking up in my head in the
trash can on the floor you know it was
my son wasn't around he didn't see me I
made sure that he was always with a
babysitter during that time but it was a
time that yeah you know I experienced it
I tried it it wasn't me
at one time I smoked pot a couple times
it wasn't like
I did it all the time it wasn't
something that I did you know
round-the-clock
you know I did it a few times and
literally it made me laugh so hard that
my stomach would hurt because I would
laugh so hard and then I would fall
asleep and I would forget the whole
thing like it wasn't me it wasn't me
food is my my go-to food is my drug and
food is sometimes what helps me check
out for the moment and that's just what
it did I was really hurt by some words
that were used against me and I used my
drug to just numb how and not have to
pay attention to what was said to me and
that way I could feel better and so I
didn't even really taste the cake it was
more so for my numbing and that was it
which I would rather use food than drugs
or alcohol or anything like that you
know of course but it's still I'm such a
work-in-progress that I am just doing
what I can to learn how to cope and make
the best experience of life that I can
little by little and I think you guys
for understanding and being there to
support me and knowing that this is a
journey this is called Amy's life
journey this is my life this is my
journey this is what I'm going through I
you know it's not all about rainbows and
butterflies I wish it was but it's not
you know there are stumps of volcano
there's some some earthquake and there
are some rainbows and there are some
butterflies but there's also some crows
out there and sometimes are darker than
others and right now is just a very kind
of dark time for me it's a little stormy
and I have my umbrella up and I'm you
know getting through it but it doesn't
mean that sometimes I'm not gonna get
wet in the storm and need a little bit
of time to just get through it
so anyways enough with the whole talking
forever but I appreciate you guys
listening and don't worry I will be okay
it's just one of those days that I'm
just a
but down by by tomorrow I'm sure I'll be
okay it's another day it's another start
for a fresh day so anyways I am gonna
close this vlog because I'm gonna go
near my face okay see all that hair that
is disgusting
yes I've been seeing it in my camera and
it's like foul so I'm gonna go and hope
and pray that my face doesn't like start
burning or something crazy but I'm gonna
go in near my face and I am going to go
and take a nice hot shower and relax for
a little bit and get ready for bed and
that way I can start on my motion of
having another good day tomorrow but I
think you so much for watching my vlog I
hope you guys enjoyed and what is it
okay hold it okay
I hope you guys enjoyed and I will check
in with you guys tomorrow brain shiny in
the morning until then you guys sweet
dreams bye bye